DISTRACTIONS River Terminology

Appendix A

Glossary of River Terms 

Hey, even if you aren’t a very good boater, at least you can sound like you know what you are talking about. Impress your girlfriend (or boyfriend) by creating the impression that you know what you are talking about. Brush up on your boater lingo and be the armchair rodeo star on the banks of the Glenwood Springs Whitewater Park.

Blunt- The staple of a wave rider’s repertoire. A vertical carving turn performed on the face of steep wave. Really good blunts can catch several feet of air.

Blind- Running a rapid without having scouted it. Can be exhilarating and/or punishing, depending on your luck.

Boof- Paddling briskly (and with well-timed technique) to skip off a steep drop and launch you (hopefully) past the ensuing hydraulic at its bottom. A vigorous chunder (see subsequent entry) awaits should you fail proper execution. 

Cartwheel- Whee! Vertical or near vertical rotations until you puke!  How many can you tolerate? This self-explanatory maneuver barely even nets points in today’s modern scoring system. Also known as “throwing ends”.

Chunder- Ever been jealous of your Sunday laundry? Powerful hydraulics can give you that spin-cycle experience you always been curious about.

Eddy- Whenever any fluid flows around an obstruction it has to spin back around to fill in the void behind it. On a river, eddies form behind rocks and jutting points of land. For boaters, eddies are our parking garages. I have seen them from inches across to the size of a football field.

Eddyflower- Any paddler, can be male or female these days I suppose, who prefers to spend their time in the eddy looking good rather than thrashing that surf spot.

Flat spin- While definitely not as ancient as the pirouette or the ender, this trick is definitely yesterday’s news. Still good fun, and well-worth mastering to spice up any bag of tricks.   

Gaper- c’mon we all know one of these. A gaper is anybody who calls a loop a “flip” or has a $429 AT bent shaft paddle but holds it upside down. Also, anybody that yells from the bank, “How ‘bout a roll squirt?” certainly deserves this prestigious designation.

Helix- Inverted, fully aerial, 360-degree retentive rotation. Invented by Steve Fischer on the giant-water waves of Africa’s Zambezi River. Longhaired, freaky gapers need not apply. 

Hole- The frothing whitewater that forms behind a steep pourover. They can range in size from tiny to building sized and vary from friendly to violent. You will know which from which when you see them. If you don’t, you will after dropping in to a few. 

Huck- Another term for throw or launch. I.e. “I just hucked myself over the drop and hoped for the best.” Or “He hucked a massive loop!”.

Loop- Fully aerial front flip initiated by driving your bow into the green water of a steep hole and throwing your weight aggressively forward as you rocket upward.  Impressive, but does not carry the clout that it once did. Comes in “front” and “back” varieties. 

Lunar Orbit- Sputnik did not orbit the moon but you can upon mastery of this Eric Jackson invented maneuver. Spinning, crossgrain, cartwheel-flip might describe it best. 

Mank- Gnarly, rocky, probably wood-infested whitewater more reminiscent of a cheese grater than something any sane person would intentionally boat into for fun.

McNasty- Another trick in the crowd of cutting edge maneuvers guaranteed to receive “ooos” from the crowd if performed correctly. Switch stern blast 360 into front loop combination. 

Overly retentive- any hole or wave that holds you for multiple tricks even if you are ready to be let go. (related entries: retentive, sticky, window shade, chunder)

Phonics Monkey- A rare species of river monkey (Lophocebus Kayakus) that lives along rivers and streams in Colorado and other paddle-friendly states. Prefers to live on or near local whitewater parks or surf holes of other varieties. Okay, okay. It’s actually a retentive crossbow-initiated pirouette into a front loop. (If you see anyone actually perform one, they deserve a good pat on the back).

Retentive- A hole or wave that is sticky enough to allow for multiple tricks per ride. (related entry: overly-retentive).

Roostertail- A dangerous river hazard that forms when water fans off a shallow rock into a spray reminiscent of a rooster’s tail feathers. Almost always something to be avoided.

Sick- Not certain how this term came into being. Scholars maintain the etymology was lost centuries ago. Loosely interchangeable with the words “awesome” or perhaps “amazing”.

(Editor’s note: No animals were harmed in the creation of the sentence “that guy threw a sick phonics monkey.”)

Side surf- Surfing sideways. Did you really need someone to explain that to you? 

Sleeper-  A hidden rock with only a little water running over it that is close enough to the surface to stop of raft or kayak but invisible from above.

Space Godzilla- Its okay, don’t panic. This term has nothing to do with early-90’s Japanese film. The Space Godzilla is a trick normally (at least by me) performed on accident when a poorly executed loop goes wrong. Seriously though, this is a legitimate trick. Sort of an aerial cartwheelish, flippy thing with a twist. 

Sticky- Ever accidentally coated your fingertips with aquaseal while trying to repair that pesky drysuit gasket? Well, imagine a hole with giant, gnarled fingers, coated in aquaseal (or sometimes superglue) and those fingers are securely fixed around you and your kayak. At higher levels of this designation, zealous prayer might be your only hope for escape. 

Unintendo- The unintentional performance of a spectacular rodeo maneuver (or if you’re really unlucky: multiple maneuvers) in a sticky (see previous entry) hole, only to roll up and find yourself still caught in the hydraulic’s grasp. 

Window shade- Highly technical term used to describe multiple, unintentional, retentive rolls in a sticky hole or hydraulic. Not usually a pleasant experience for the victim; though people on shore often cheer while the action is being performed (victim remember: the spectators are not cheering for you). From the victim’s perspective it feels much like this: sky, water, sky, water, sky, water and can repeat indefinitely until victim decides to cut their losses and punch the eject button. (related entries: chunder, unintendo, sticky)